Words of Affirmation: A Voice Not Silenced
The final day of a rollercoaster of emotions, and still yet such a fresh beginning to what they tell us about the stages of grief. I can tell you grief doesn’t happen in “stages”. I do appreciate and acknowledge what the widely known stages have taught us, but I can say they are rather circular and mimic that of a rollercoaster. Denial always hits hard right away, but that visits you often. Anger didn’t come as quickly, but it did surface at inopportune times when my family needed me to be more at the acceptance stage. Bargaining was heavy in the beginning but then when I felt a peace of where Aussie’s home was that stage was only worth a flittering passing in my journey. Then there is depression, it just seems to envelope all the stages sorted into one. The final stage is acceptance; which I haven’t fully grasped but thank Jesus for His role in this. Acceptance without hope is unforeseen in my eyes. And hope is a gift I have been given.
You can walk into a church for this kind of occasion very somberly or completely wrecked. My momma somehow planned his service, with meticulous detail I must add. After viewing Austin’s body, we had to ready a place for people to gather. How chaotic to have to do so, but my family spontaneously did with a strength and determination. Mom took charge in a situation not wanted to be ever navigated. Coffee beans, vases, photos, homemade chocolate chip cookies, pictures, and candies for the kids; his favorites. Aussie resonated throughout that small gathering place of worship. His spirit would be a light guiding us through the darkest day. I have told you so far a lot about mom, but she is an extremely talented decorator and creator. Her sight for beauty didn’t vanish during her darkest hours, it only heightened when it was to shine on her son.
I remember vividly walking into the Madison Baptist church strong but immediately taken aback, like someone punched me. I was used to the comfort of my immediate family hugs but now I was met with my very own stranger trying to hug me. I don’t say stranger in a way that I have never met you, I mean you became a stranger to a family that was guarding Austin’s spirit to what the world thought about suicide. Speaking with transparency, I assure you I didn’t and don’t place judgement. But now when I think to that day you were either FAMILY or STRANGER. You may have been there to love my brother but I felt an immediate protection about what you would make him to be, for I already had too many texts and comments that copied the world’s response to a suicide. Let us talk differently about that.
Aussie’s funeral was built upon his own spoken words; these words were shared as DIY magnets. In our heartache this is what we could share of him during our short time of grief planning. We spent hours reading texts, letters, and emails. We became sleuths combing any social media to grab his voice and pluck his words from time so they could always be shared. The below highlighted quotes are the EXACT words of my brother. This is just a very small selection of his soft but powerful voice. Our family’s wish is that his words carry you through a day in which you may need it. That was his gift to this world, sharing love and compassion from a very broken heart. How beautiful the dichotomy.
“You deserve the world, you really do!”
“Of course God is better than any medicine.”
“The one thing about faith is that your situation doesn’t matter.”
“Everything you do for everyone doesn’t go unnoticed.”
“I’m ready for the love wave, the God wave.”
“So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.”
“Have a wonderful day.”
“God uses all of his children.”
“One day at a time.”
“It’s God’s plan, not mine.”
“The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do, but they will also be the things that happen to you.”
“A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought, but it’s also kind of wonderful.”
“We have it all.”
“Everything has meaning.”
“You’re on in a billion.”
“Trust him 100%, no fear no matter what.”
“Your attitude determines your day. The way your day goes is always up to you.”
“It’s gonna be beautiful.”
His voice continues. Last summer I awakened to a dream. I heard a voice of familiarity, command, certainty, and power say “there are 732 colors, but only 16 are recognized”. I immediately wrote these words in the dark of night, knowing I would need to remember them. It wasn’t until weeks later during one of my late night phone calls with mom that I knew what it meant. Now, I don’t want people to tell me there are more recognized colors than 16 on this earth for I believe we are taught what to see and therefore we see what we are taught. God has always spoken in numbers, and my brother and I, we have always been numbers people. So dear brother, thank you for sharing with me heavens beauty. I believe you; I choose to believe there are 732 vibrant colors and I cannot wait to see them.
Happy birthday my handsome brother, today you turn 39. We celebrate YOU not just today but every day as we make certain the beauty of your words are everlasting. Proverbs 15:28, “The heart of the Godly thinks carefully before speaking.” We love and miss you ❤️
