YOU have no Idea

Let’s talk reality after YOU are gone. I am still angry. Not at you, or your precious heart. I am angry at this aftermath that we call life and we’re not ready to try to navigate. I am angry that the sun still rises and I still have titles. I am angry that I have to live a life where you used to be a part of it. I am MAD.

There are a million things that rape your soul and heart and mind. Rape is a strong word, and that’s why I am using it. It’s the truth. It’s not welcome, it comes when you are vulnerable, and then it leaves you feeling helpless and I imagine debilitated and small. I have changed because you are gone. My life has forever changed. My family dynamics have changed. I have changed.

This is reality people. Lives matter – hearts matter. So many moments in my life I was your other heartbeat. I was your twin, I was your concert audience, I was the driver in mom and dad’s Buick and we were headed to California baby! You even remembered the Monopoly money because we would need gas.

So there you have it – life without you has no navigation. We go from this day to that day to this day to that day and no direction. We are surviving, because we have to. It’s pretty miraculous to think we don’t have to have an insulin pump or heart medicines in a world that has quick fixes. There are NO quick fixes for the way we have to live out the rest of our days. Wow, sounds super sad but I do have a positive.

I remember YOUR spirit. I remember your heart. I remember your soft words. I remember you getting mad at me for potentially ruining Christmas but running back into momma’s house to hug me. I remember listening to Incubus when mom and dad confiscated my CD. I remember trying to find that key on a quiz game when friends tried to interrupt us through friends messenger (we still won).

I also remember telling you “if you ever did anything to yourself, I would just die”. I am so sorry I put that on you. I am so sorry I made that line about ME. I am so sorry if I made you feel like in your deepest hurt you could not come to me because you were scared to hurt me, or mom, or dad, or Cams, or Tia.

As sad as we are, and as much as our lives have changed I would not change one thing about being YOU and I. I a few months ago hated memories, but now I welcome them. You are a precious presence in my new life without you. You can still bring familiarities in a life so unfamiliar. One speaker I love to listen to on my walks once said, ” The greatest time to take a King is when he’s a kid”.

I bet your crown is beautiful – this world has no say in us knowing where you are my brother. We carry you with the strongest arms/back/legs humanly possible. Nothing can shake your spirit off our beings – we carry YOU with us daily.

Love, Your Tata